Now and forever, I’ve been looking for answers to important questions outside of myself. World-renowned thinkers, writers, teachers, sages, witches, friends, counsellors, astrologers, the Moon, the Cosmos, the Tarot.
Why is it so hard to go within?
My intuition, that inner knowing, has its own agenda and a peculiar sense of humour. It comes and goes, pops in and out, just to say a quick hi, but there are always other places to be. I just want to hold it tight forever and let it tell me all I need to know. But it requires me to sit still, with myself – the hardest thing on earth for me to do right now. Things are shifting, though.
At the threshold of 2024, I knew I wanted a somewhat special celebration for New Year’s Eve. As I was aiming to have a sober year, a sober party was much desired. My spell has manifested impressively quickly and a promotion for a Tantra-themed sober rave popped up before my eyes. I knew that was it, and it was.
It was fun, educational, and different. I danced a lot, met some cool people, and learned a few things about Tantra. But what stuck with me the most was the Tarot reading the morning after that a Ville Valo lookalike was holding for those who wanted it. It was a one-card reading that was supposed to represent my year to come. I pulled the Hermit. I knew things were gonna get serious.
The Hermit is the 9th card of the Major Arcana in Tarot. Major Arcana is a set of 22 named cards that represent the Fool’s journey through different archetypical energies, trials and tribulations, rewards and manifestations. When the Fool reaches the energy of the Hermit, it is the end of the first cycle, the time to retreat into the inner knowing, the time for introspection sitting with your inner lantern. Letting go of the noise of the world and retreating into the world beyond.
In my life, I’ve given a lot of power away to other people, given away the responsibility for my emotional well-being, for my happiness. I think I’m still struggling to perceive myself as a well-rounded adult. All my life, subconsciously, I expected someone to take care of me, to meet my needs, to show me the way, to lead so I could follow. My soul knows that I’m not a follower. I’m a leader that has forgotten her power. I’m a heroine who forgot her mission.
Nathaniel Branden, in his wonderful book Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, wrote that in the waiting room of his psychotherapy practice, he used to have a sign saying “No one is coming to save you.” That was a hard pill for a lunatic like me to swallow. I know it, I always knew it, yet still, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for a prince charming to come and rescue me. If not, then perhaps a fairy godmother. A godfather. A therapist. A mentor. An idol. At least a stranger on a park bench smiling at me. A black cat communicating the truth telepathically. A profound dream. A new drug. Or an old one. Save me, somebody, or something, save me! As the anguished voice of Wyclef Jean sings from back in 2000, “Someone please call 911!”
I keep on buying courses that are supposed to make me who I am, a new ‘a-ha!’ identity that I so absolutely must become, a new career that will make me a millionaire, serving the public like a good, yet, as appropriate in these modern times, affluent, Samaritan. but I continuously fail to follow through. No, it’s just not it, not quite it. Let’s keep on looking. Outwards, of course, always outwards. I never have enough inside.
Sometimes I trust a story more than my own history. Sometimes I trust a random YouTuber more than my own instincts. Sometimes I trust a bottle of wine more than my unpolluted gut feeling. Sure, only sometimes.
There are many voices inside my head. Most of them are mine, I think. Lots of voices to talk to, but, alas, we mostly argue. But the Hermit is mysteriously quiet. He doesn’t speak, he whispers. Am I ready to silence all the other voices and noises and actually start listening?
A little over a month ago I became single, and I could feel with all my senses how the Hermit finally entered my life, blocking the Sun that my ex-partner had been to me for quite some time. The Hermit also blocked me from all the roads, paths, and passages except for one – inwards. Into the solitude, into the loneliness, into aloneness.
Not long ago the happiest place and time for me was in the arms of my beloved. Now, my happy time is my daily 33 minutes of meditation.
I don’t know what to do with this Hermit card. He’s kind of biting me in the bum. He wants me to write, I think, and yes, think, dive deep inside of myself, purify myself from all the external distractions and influences. Well, I’ve already cancelled my Netflix subscription, if it’s any consolation. I’m cancelling a lot of stuff. And even some people. And drawing a lot of lines. And oh, yes, I draw.
For now, I’m just gonna surrender into the arms of my inner Hermit and go enjoy the time in my sweet meditation.
When your life changes, you change. When you change, your life changes.
Perhaps I’m ready. Ready to face myself. For a change.
